thought for today
Adam's Tree and Choosing Suicide
“Adam, the heart is like the flame of a candle. It can be blown out many times and still
light again. You can lose happiness and
be in the depths of despair, but you will feel joy again. Your heart will burn again as bright as ever,
no matter what happens, unless you throw away the candle.”
Adam came to help me plant a Waterfall Maple in my front
yard. He worked most of a hot day
putting it in the ground for me. There
were tree roots. I had pointed to a
spot. He was young and never thought to
ask if he could move a couple of feet this way or that. I would have said sure. But, he hacked at the tree roots with a
hatchet until he made enough room for my little tree to root in the exact spot. We were both proud when it was done. It is Adam’s tree. I think of him every time I look out my
kitchen window.
I sent him home with money for the day’s work, and a food
box with recipes. He was a college
student living on his own in a small apartment.
When we went to a family reunion Adam proved to be the
perfect house and dog sitter. My little
dog is not easy. She was abused when she
was young, and doesn’t trust easily. He sat
down on the sofa to wait and see how she would do. She jumped in his lap and licked his face.
You have to know my little dog to understand why that is
such a big deal. The man who mows my
lawn calls her “Killer.” Another friend
calls her “Cujo.” She is only twenty
pounds, but she barks fiercely, and will bite if you get in her face too soon.
Genie is a white dog with brown patches, and she has a
pretty pink belly with big freckles. I
love to pet her belly.
Usually when I have to leave her, I pick her up, and her
pink belly has turned greyish black from nervousness, even in a place she knows
and with people she trusts. Adam got to
keep her at our house, her house. Adam
was gentle. Adam was calm.
When I returned to Genie and Adam, her belly was still
pretty and pink. I could not have had a
better report if Genie could have written it herself.
We all liked Adam. He
liked our DVD collection with old black and white movies like Casablanca,
Citizen Cane, Holiday, Mr. Blanding’s Dreamhouse. He loved old black and white movies,
especially Cary Grant.
I had not seen him since he planted the tree in March. In May I heard from Jana, my daughter and his
friend, that he might be engaged. I was
happy for him. Then I heard they broke-up.
And I heard he was going to the Black Lives Matter rallies. What a sweet guy, worrying about the world,
wondering how he could make the world a better place.
My husband and I have been “sheltering at home” due to the
coronavirus since a week before Adam planted the tree.
Jana called me. Adam was missing.
When Jana went to his apartment, neat as a pin, even sparse,
he had left his wallet and his will on the bed.
The will was written to Jana, and asked her to give away his things per
his directions. The recipes I wrote for
him were on the kitchen counter. Jana
recognized my handwriting. It looked
like he used them often, and kept them handy.
There was no note besides the will. His car and his car keys were gone. Jana and a group of friends found him a week
later after an exhaustive search.
Why? My mind is in a
whirl. As an ex-teacher of college age kids,
I have seen a lot. I can
conjecture. I can mourn. No one knows exactly what he was thinking.
This is what is going through my head. At that age how much have they seen?
He saw 9/11 as a youngster.
He has seen war in the Middle East.
He has seen our country divided and spewing hate from both sides. He has seen injustice in the media in many
forms and mourned for the inequality he saw.
He experienced a break-up with the young woman he wanted to marry.
He also experienced a lot of love. He had a brother, a father, a grandfather who
loved him. He had friends who loved
him. He loved music. He loved school. He loved planting my little tree and cooking
new foods. We loved him, and we only
knew him a year.
My poor young friend!
He did not have the perspective of age and the many ups and downs in the
political landscape people experience over the years. They see the 1960’s they thought ancient
history repeating on the always available news and think there is no hope. He does not realize how much we really have
grown since the 60’s, and how many people really do abhor injustice in our
land.
What are we doing to our children? When they see neighbor against neighbor and
parent against child and brother against sister, they must think the world has
gone crazy. They do not have the life
experience to know that COVID-19 will not control their lives forever. They do not see that we have made strides
since the 1960’s. They do not see that
their own happiness lies in little everyday bits of joy that are all around. They do not see how resilient the heart is.
Adam watched the police armed and with full protective gear
march into a group of unarmed people and start firing tear gas and rubber
bullets. There was a man there with a
three-year-old little girl, bad choice on his part I know, but still. He came to see the show and thought it would
be peaceful in our little town. It was,
until the police stepped in. The little
girl was choking on tear gas, and the father was pelted with rubber
bullets. They were not even part of the
protest.
Was Adam hurt? We do
not know. His last message was that he
was going to the rally with many other students and professors from the college. We think he was ok.
I ask again, “What are we doing to our children?” Adam is a grown man legally, but he is a
child in terms of perspective. He sees a
world gone mad.
If I could talk to Adam one last time, I would say, “Adam I
will help you. Any of your friends will
help you. You are not alone. You are loved.” I would say, “Adam, this too shall
pass!” You will love again. You will work again. You will see our country at peace
again.” “Adam, you have a rich life
ahead of you. You will have children of
your own, and a career you love, or many different careers over your
lifetime.”
I can see Adam’s tree from my kitchen table. It is taking root. I see its branches blowing gracefully in the
breeze.” I wish Adam could have taken
root in this life.
“Adam, the heart is like the flame of a candle. It can be blown out many times and still
light again. You can lose happiness and
be in the depths of despair, but you will feel joy again. Your heart will burn again as bright as ever,
no matter what happens, unless you throw away the candle.”
With Love,
To Adam
